How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

I was having a discussion with a friend this week and we were talking about how she is always willing to lend a hand and help other people. I asked her; “do you feel you’re a people pleaser”? She didn’t feel like she was and when I thought about our discussion, I realized there is a distinction to be made between being willing to help and people pleasing. The key element is how it makes us feel. If I am doing something which I inherently don’t want to do and leaves me feeling depleted, then I am putting my needs aside to please whomever I’m helping. If I feel energized by helping, even though I am putting some of what I want or need to do on hold, then it comes from a place of wholehearted support.

Why do we like people pleasing? It makes us feel more important and validates our worth. It’s easy to get into that mentality when we believe saying no makes us vulnerable or susceptible in some way. But know this; there is strength in knowing what you value and don’t value in your life. I am still working on not trying to please everyone and am learning to leverage some of the High Performance Habits to make that switch. It all boils down to 3 things: Get clear, be brave and generate the right energy.

Before you can address your people pleasing tendencies, you have to recognize the moments when you said yes and really wanted to say no and the why behind it. When you can take a moment to reflect and start identifying patterns, you give yourself a chance to make a mindset shift. Once you can shift your mindset you’re in a position to make lasting changes. Honesty is critical in this step. By having that transparency, you begin the process. Once you know your patterns, you can dive deeper into the reasons why you did it. Did you not want to hurt the other person’s feelings? Did you feel you would damage the relationship by doing what was right for you?

Get clear with who you are and how you want to show up for yourself and others. Define the core values you want to live by. Decide what you want to manifest and live into that every day. Be secure in who you are and do not waver from that conviction. When you take ownership for yourself, you take away people’s power over you. Their opinions no longer matter or dictate how you feel about yourself or your life. They cannot make you feel guilty or “strong arm” you into doing something you do not want to do.

Remember, anytime you face a decision point, you have a choice. You can choose to make a decision that is in alignment with who you are OR, you can choose to keep your thoughts to yourself and acquiesce even when it goes against what you feel in your gut. One of the best ways to know whether or not you truly want to do something is to think about it. You don’t have to respond right away when someone asks you to do something. You can sit with it and feel how it feels in your gut and if you get that uncomfortable feeling, then you know it isn’t for you and you can choose to say no. Ignore that feeling and say yes, and you’ll be in for some more discomfort later. You know that feeling. You’ve experienced it before. Listen to that!

Create a vision of what you want for yourself. When you have that vision clearly in your mind, then it is easy to partition and make decisions keeping in mind what aligns with your new vision and what doesn’t. If someone approaches you about something that doesn’t in some way support what you want to do or who you want to be, then it’s much easier to say no. That clarity is game changing.

Be Brave

Speaking up for yourself isn’t always easy. You may not want to put people out for example. I have often sat in an uber, freezing my butt off in the summertime because I didn’t want to “impose” on my driver by asking him to turn it down. Silly, right…? What I found is that most people are very willing to help and do what you ask, especially when you’re paying for it! And I have to remember that I am not responsible for how they feel. It might be a minor inconvenience for them, but the happier I am, the more likely I am to leave a good tip.

Saying “no” can be difficult. Guilt rears its ugly head when we say “no”. It takes courage to push back, just as it takes courage to speak up for yourself.

There are a couple of things you can do to make it easier. I already talked about knowing, aligning your actions accordingly and trusting your instincts. If something doesn’t feel good, then it is as simple as not doing it. It is perfectly OK to be selfish in situations that do not serve you. When we consistently put the needs of others in front of our own, we lose our sense of self. So, you have to learn how to say “no” without feeling guilty. Here are two ways you can do that

1. Mirror work is a powerful way to try things on for size. Get in the habit of telling yourself you love yourself on a daily basis and see what happens. Practice saying no in front of the mirror. Get comfortable with the word, with using it. You can do it until you feel how good it feels to say it

2. You can also use the “This not That” technique. Instead of saying an outright no, tell the person you can’t do exactly what they’re asking, but you can do XYZ. So, while you are not saying an outright yes or no, you are giving the other person an alternate option. That puts the onus back on them to either accept what you’re offering OR go somewhere else to get their needs met. It can be a powerful way to ease yourself into saying no!

3. Enlist someone to help you practice. Can you ask your best friend to practice saying no or using the “this not that” technique with? You might feel silly. You’ll laugh and you’ll get uncomfortable, but practicing until you are comfortable saying those things will help you when you are faced with a real-life situation

Empower yourself by creating boundaries. If you don’t know your own boundaries, how do you know when to push back? You may inadvertently be allowing others to overstep because you don’t have that clarity. If you have never drawn a line in the sand to know what is and isn’t acceptable to you, how can you communicate that to others or expect them to know when it’s OK to ask and when it’s not. Creating the boundaries is the easy part. Then you have to stick to them! Go back to those times you say yes when you wanted to say no and try to remember your inner discussion afterwards. What did you tell yourself? What did you wish you had said instead? Use your previous experiences as teaching moment and create a plan to resist the temptation to people please.

Get Your Energy Right

Start giving yourself permission to take care of yourself first. I believe we have a tendency, especially as women, to put other people’s needs first. Given the choice between ourselves and others, many will choose others first. You must put your needs first. It’s like they tell you when the plane is taxying: “please put your oxygen mask on first”. If you don’t do you first, you are no good to anyone else. In this context, putting yourself first can be the difference between life and death.

Now…, I’m not talking about sitting on the couch eating bonbons and watching Netflix (although there is a time and a place for everything), I’m talking about making sure you are replenishing and resourcing yourself, so you can be more present for yourself and serve others better. When we’re tired, we don’t make good decisions, so being energetically present and healthy is paramount. Making time each day to focus on yourself will make a world of difference.

I know how easily your world can get away from you, so my suggestion is to take that time for yourself first thing in the morning, starting with the moment your feet hit the ground. Whether you meditate, go for a walk/run, do some yoga or sit with your cup of tea with your favorite book give yourself some love to start the day with. It doesn’t need to take an hour, although that would be totally awesome, just 15 minutes to read, meditate, stretch can make a world of difference in how you approach your day and how susceptible you are to other people’s requests.

Final Thoughts

Easier said than done, I know!

I wish there was a way to get around the discomfort of saying no. If it’s any consolation, learning how to say no is one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself. You can have so much more time and energy if you aren’t constantly over committing or doing things that don’t resonate with you.

Here are the three things you can do to become a recovering people pleaser: 1. Get clear, 2. Be brave and 3. Get your energy right! If you are a recovering people pleaser or if you have other strategies for recovery, please share them so we can learn from your successes!

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