My kind of femininity

Late at night, I have some weird thoughts.

I thought about you and me, and how our relationship has evolved. You are in your 30s, and Im in my 20s, but oddly enough, you makes me feel young.

You told me to go to lay on bed so we can pretend that we are sleeping together. You read my thought, and my wish. I always, always want to go to bed with you, and wake up seeing your face. It's so tempting because your face is so endearing. But even so, what I realized is that…damn! I am no longer wishing, or pushing for a person to be in bed with me. I have stop wishing for a life with someone.

You are doing that to me and that makes me feel young.

I think I have commitment phobia. I have cheated three times after all. I have the potential to be serial cheater.

Yet, you believe in me. I told you I believe in you too, and that I would take a leap of faith that we can love each other. In reality, what I am doing is just “here and be” with you.

I don’t have a definite answer on how I know I love you, but here is a thing: I know I love pain, I derives pleasure from pain, and I have this ache in trying to be your good girl.

You are not always here with me, and I can go cheat on you anytime, and lie about it, and you won't know. Just that there is something holding me back. Maybe it's your smile, your eyes that make me feel guilty whenever I have the thought of jumping on bed with someone. I stop having sex, which is what I love to do, so I can make you happy.

The thought of you enjoying my tightness down there makes me extremely wet. I am making you happy.

It hurts me that I am not able to have sex whenever I want, with whomever I want, and I am miserable right now by saving my body exclusively for you. I put a price on my body, and oddly enough, I am normal, and acceptable in this society I am living in. Your affection worths more than my pleasure.

I am no longer a dictionary whore who sleep around. I have to be honest, I still cheat sometime whenever I see a hot girl walk by. She's hot! Of course, I want to fuck her.

But wait, I am supposed to be yours. Thinking too often about sex with someone other than you can lead to…You know what I mean…:)

Anyway, being with you, and what we have been through together make me want to come home and wait for you. You make me feel feminine enough. You know what I mean?

I am doing that willingly by the way. You don't have to be afraid. I am not your ex who judge you for constantly working and not traveling with her. Work is important, I know. I can't judge, and I don't want to judge. It's okay, I am judge-free girl.

I really want to say that you can go roam out there, doing whatever you like, for how long you like; when you come home, you still have me. But I actually like that in reverse. I want to be the one who come home to a warm kitchen.

I want to be your good girl, and supportive of you, but I am human too. I like fun, and knowledge. I always want to be on the quest for something. It's never enough for me. With or without you. So I think maybe we can alternate that housewife role with each other? Whoever come home first makes the kitchen warm.

That's easier right? We just need to remember to come back to each other?

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