I was assaulted by another engineer

My first salaried position was at an ad-tech startup. I was 22 and had been doing contract work for the first ten months after school. I gained a lot of experience both in my career and in life from working for that company. It was my first “real” job.

Upon starting I found people were quite social and happy hour drinks common. It felt like a natural transition from the void left by graduating college. One day after work, we decided to all grab a drink at the Crocodile Lounge, one of the go-to’s. This was about a month after a new senior front end engineer had started. He was referred by his best friend, a QA engineer at our company. Everyone was excited to have him join.

That night, as I was paying my tab at the bar, the new senior engineer, already at the bar, groped my ass before quickly disappearing back to our group. I was shocked. I made every excuse in my head to deny what had just happened, but it’s hard to imagine a coat dangling off a barstool cup and squeeze a buttock the way his hand did mine.

Anxious and confused I made my way back to the group of my coworkers. The senior engineer was waiting for me toward the edge of the group. With a smug look he asked, “Is everything okay?” That was the moment I knew there was no denying what had happened. Still anxious I said I was fine and quickly made to gather my things.

We all left in a group toward Union Square. To my distress only the senior engineer entered the subway station with me. I went to my subway platform to catch the train to Brooklyn. He followed me, which surprised me. I questioned him. I said I knew he lived in Queens. Why was he here?

He said he wanted to come home with me. To make sure I got home safe. I told him I didn’t want that. That I regularly rode the subway home, alone, much later than this. I knew I would not feel safe if he got on the train with me though he kept insisting he would.

I pleaded with him to please leave me alone. I begged him to go to his own train platform. I asked him to go home to his girlfriend.

He said if he was honest all he wanted to do in that moment was kiss me. No, I said. He said I was funny and smart and pretty and I understood things his girlfriend never would. No, I said again and again and again.

I told him I did not want that. I told him it was inappropriate. I told him to leave. I was so scared. I felt so helpless.

He did leave at some point. I don’t know how long we actually stood on that train platform, but I immediately felt relief, confusion and shame at his departure.

On the train ride home I received a Slack message, an apology, from the senior engineer. In the office, he acted as if nothing had happened. I guess to him nothing really had. He was still secure in his privilege and his power. My hatred for him grew as time passed and it became clear that in his mind, the Slack apology had absolved all guilt. I felt uneasy every time I saw him speak to or touch a female coworker.

Some time after the incident, I told my manager what happened. He was shocked, “But he’s so quiet. And so nice.” I wasn’t sure how to feel as my manager continued, “But you said he apologized, right?” Frustrated by the way the conversation was going I agreed that the senior engineer had apologized, but what he did wasn’t okay. My manager said he could report it to our founders if I really wanted, but he asked if I really wanted to ruin the senior engineer’s reputation. Instead of protecting me my manager shamed and silenced me.

I know now nothing that happened that night was my fault. I was not too friendly. I did not smile too much. It was not the way I was dressed or the fact that I was in a bar. The senior engineer prioritized his desire to my body over my right to my bodily integrity. He preyed upon me and then benefitted from another male engineer’s protection. I had no one to protect me except myself, but I was too young to know that.

Last I heard, the senior engineer is still working in the tech industry and also, married to the girlfriend he didn’t want to go home to that night.

The incident above may seem like an outlier. Maybe it is, but I seriously doubt it. Since I entered the work force a little over four years ago the number of coworkers, all cis men, that have sexually assaulted me — that is physically touched my body in a sexual manner without consent, is four. That number doesn’t even account for the verbal harassment and sexist comments I’ve heard and tolerated because I thought my career depended on it.

I will not tolerate it anymore.

I will not be silenced.

Young people in tech need to know harassment and assault are unacceptable. We need to start calling these actions by what they are: harassment and assault. It’s time to hold people accountable for their actions and the impact of their actions on others.

We will not tolerate this anymore.

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