Quenching My Insatiable Thirst For Intimacy

How my lifelong desire to have an identical twin led me to God

I always wanted an identical twin, and I’ve never met one person with this same peculiar wish. My mom, along with others, was perplexed at this atypical longing of mine.

Today, I’m still puzzled by my desire for twinship. Did I have a twin in utero that didn’t survive? — Maybe. But I remember my insistence that the twin must be identical. And I wonder why —

Perhaps it was my way of communicating a desire to be heard, seen, and known. But it was more than that — in truth, my ultimate aim was to achieve an all-encompassing and eternal connection to another. My five-year-old self believed that I would be known entirely and never be alone if I had an identical me. Was I looking for a soul mate at such a young age?

Or maybe I just wanted my umbilical cord intact, to continue the experience of ceaseless symbiosis that was so rudely interrupted at birth. This theory may not be that farfetched if you consider a baby’s birth:

While most of us are in awe of the new gift of life, newborns experience an unwelcoming blast of alien air for the very first time. They respond with bodily quakes and release a piercing scream of angst while flailing their helpless little limbs. The grief of losing their warm cocooned home is on full display.

Parents try to mimic the safety and security of the first nest. But not even ideal parents can replicate or compare to the perfect union felt in the womb.

Desiring an identical twin at the age of five might sound cute and quirky, but this dire yearning has played havoc in my life. I experience the elusive sense that something is missing in all my relationships— And can never put words to this gnawing sense of — something’s eschew or not quite enough.

Enough of what? I wish I knew. I have spent most of my life searching for someone who…

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