Why I Am Giving Up On Romance This Winter

It feels like a box of illusions when I long for something real.

When I started online dating in 2019 after a painful break up, my only thought was to take my mind off from the heart break I was experiencing at that time.

I thought it would be fun and exciting meeting new people, and getting to know the world better. But actually dating is exhausting, time consuming and most of the time it feels like a second job.

After six months of complete dating break, my world probably looks the same from the outside. What’s different is how I’m experiencing my life now.

In the last few years, I’d had countless dates and a bunch of inconsequential flings, but I never found anyone with whom I really liked to spend my time with. It’s not like I have high standards.

But most of the guys I met kind of felt intimated by me — sometime I am too ambitious for them or too feminist or too independent. My mind really goes what the f$%k what it means to be “too much”.

I have received comments like — “you are way too self-sufficient and it seems you don’t need anyone.” “You are way smarter than I am” or my favorite — “You are too liberal, open, and wouldn’t fit in a domestic life with children and all.”

It actually feel like I’m walking into that ballroom after an earthquake, sifting through the rubble that is all over the rutted floor. I’m kicking a pathway through useless gender stereotypes, traditional gender roles in heterosexual relationships, romantic delusions, romantic expectations, and sexual assumptions.

These all look like broken toys to me now.

What does it mean to fall in love? What could it feel like without all this nonsense?

Can I be a woman without having to be a wife or girlfriend or a mother? Can a romantic relationship be founded on an equal friendship without losing its romance?

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